Page 60 - SEN113 SEN Magazine July-August 2021-V3

60 many professionals. Inevitably some will be more effective than others and if you’ve drawn the short end of the straw and have had bad experiences, it erodes your trust in the system as a whole. Professionals would do well to identify this disillusionment and approach it head on, rather than listen to acerbic responses without asking a carer why they aren’t on board with what’s being offered. We’ve got guilt Whilst some parents are happy to request all the help they can get, others feel that it is their duty to provide an upbringing without outside help. Added to that, if you’re feeling in some way responsible for your child’s condition, then you may also feel that since this is your ‘fault’ it’s up to you to deal with everything that comes of it. I’ve experienced this. One of my autistic sons had an accident that left him with brain damage when he was nearly two. The lasting guilt that I’d allowed this accident to happen is something that I’ll probably never get over. Without realising it, when my son became aggressive towards me, there was a small part of me that felt I deserved it. No matter how many people told me his situation wasn’t my fault, I could only think that it certainly wasn’t anyone else’s. We’re not singing from the same song sheet One half of a parenting partnership may want support; another may not. In my experience, and I’m sorry to generalise so clumsily – men tend to be more private in general about their difficulties. It is after all rather unusual to let strangers observe your private battles. “Entitlements are not always clear” It’s a good idea to try and support both parents. If one carer isn’t present, ask what the other’s reaction would be to the various options you’re discussing. Try not to assume that the more visible partner in a parenting couple will translate complex information and acquire the agreement of the other party. Even if partners are in agreement, the wider family may not be. Here is where cultural differences can play a part. Having a professional from a similar background is sometimes helpful, but not always possible. We don’t understand the system We really don’t. People assume we’ve read the law relating to disability. We do if we have to, if we suspect something is lacking that’s a legal requirement. Entitlements are not always clear. Sometimes we suspect this obscurity is deliberate, and it makes us cynical. Is it because if everyone asked for the help they were entitled to, the system couldn’t sustain it? There’s a large number of people out there not asking for help because they aren’t sure of their entitlements. That’s masking a huge social care need and it needs to be addressed. We don’t want to get emotional Dwelling on difficulties can make us feel really upset. If our method of coping has been to distract ourselves from unwelcome thoughts, then we have to be really careful that once these upsetting experiences have been shared, they can be dealt with swiftly and healthily rather than becoming like an evil genie who can’t return to its bottle. They don’t call it ‘bottling up your problems’ for nothing! Ideally, we need to be in the right mood to tell you. Paradoxically, that right mood tends to be when we’re coping brilliantly, and don’t feel deserving of additional support. So it’s up to insightful professionals to be able to understand what the worst looks like when parents are at their best. We fear being judged When it comes to understanding your child’s needs, we’re all on a learning curve. The usual parenting strategies need to be ‘tweaked’ for SEN youngsters. It’s something that parents have to learn, and sometimes the only way of learning is to hit a difficulty first. But too many parents see their lack of knowledge as a failure. They hide behind shame. It takes work to help them acknowledge that they’re deserving of help. There’s no magic solution to these difficulties, but simply having an awareness of them will help practitioners to delve a little deeper when a family announces that ‘they’re fine’. ■ time-out SEN113 senmagazine.co.uk Autism