Joanne Jones provides helpful advice on how to cope with unwelcome comments from friends and family.
Have you ever been with your child at a party or a family get-together and someone asks: “Are they talking yet?” Even worse: “They don’t say much, do they?”
It’s a stomach-dropping moment as your throat gets tense, and you wonder how best to respond.
Parents in my community tell me stories like this all the time.
Having some well-meaning and less well-meaning relatives and friends question your child’s development can be hard to cope with. It pours fuel on your own anxieties. Explaining the situation to someone who knows nothing about late-talking children is a massive task!
As the saying goes: ‘Comparison is the thief of joy’. This quote is never truer than when your child is developing. Parents can find it tough to compare their own child’s development with that of a friend’s child – and so, when a family member or friend brings up a comparison-related question (in a moment when it was least expected), it can feel like a stab in the heart!
Sometimes, the conversation gets even worse – leading to unhelpful generalisations such as: “It’s because he is a boy!” or “She will do it in her own time” or “My son didn’t speak until he was four and he is ok.” Often people try to be reassuring but, instead, can minimise your concerns and leave you feeling dismissed or unheard.
What is the best way to manage this in the moment?
Jane* shared with our bootcamp members that she had an upsetting encounter at a family barbecue. “My heart stopped,” she said. “I was already very self-conscious that Rory* was behaving differently to the other children at the party; then, my uncle said: ‘He’s very quiet… can’t he talk?’ I was shocked and upset, and I didn’t know what to say. I just smiled and walked off. Later, I was so annoyed with myself for not being able to advocate for my child.”
Together, we explored different ways to handle a situation like this. Bootcamp members recognised that, in Jane’s position, you want to be able to advocate for your child; to get across the fact that, just because they can’t yet talk, it doesn’t mean they don’t have anything to say. Also, the responsibility lies with adults to listen a little more carefully, slow down and say less.
Helping others to see that your child still has a lot to offer the world, even though they are finding parts of development difficult – and giving the family member some practical tips on interacting with the child – emerged as the priorities.
Jane said she may follow these ideas up with tips such as: “He likes it when you get down to his level” or “He loves bubbles” and “Chasing is the way to make friends with Rory.”
It was helpful to reframe the conversation by recognising that Rory’s uncle had the right intentions and wasn’t trying to be hurtful. While the way the question was asked felt critical, he most likely wanted to know more. There is an opportunity here to bridge the gap between your child and the ‘well-meaning’ adult’s knowledge.
If you find yourself in this situation this summer, here are my top tips:
1) Take a breath, reframe the question and see it as an opportunity to help your child make a new friend.
2) Keep your explanation simple, such as: “He is not communicating by talking yet, but he has other ways of letting you know what he is thinking.”
3) Give the relative some examples of things they could do to connect with your child.
4) Don’t let your brain get derailed. Questions come from their lack of knowledge, not because you are doing anything wrong – and definitely not because of your child.
5) Give yourself a pat on the back. You have taken an unpleasant situation and dealt with it well.
What should you do when a relative or friend is dismissing your concerns?
Parents tell me that sometimes, when they express their concerns about their child’s development or what the future holds, the person they are confiding in makes dismissive remarks such as: “They are still little”, “Don’t worry” or “My neighbours’ child didn’t talk until four… Lots of children talk late.”
Although on the surface these statements can feel kind and reassuring, they also make parents feel confused as to what to do next.
So, what can you say?
Firstly, think about what you are looking for from the other person. Are you seeking reassurance? Wondering what to do next to help your child? Or do you just want to talk and release your concerns?
You can then structure your response more specifically, such as: “I know lots of children do start speaking, but I would like to try and find some professional help. Do you know where to start?” or “I am so worried… I just need to talk about it, if you have a listening ear for a moment?” Being specific about what we need from the other person gives them the chance to offer the right support.
One of the biggest concerns I hear from families I work with is uncertainty about the future: “Will my child be happy, talk and have friends?” These are common concerns, and you are far from alone if you feel this way. My advice is: Never put a glass ceiling on your children. Worrying about the future isn’t helpful. The power is in the now. When you understand where your child is up to; what the next tiny step forward is; and how to support them to get there, you know you can keep climbing.
*not their real name
Author: Joanne Jones
Joanne Jones
Joanne Jones is a Consultant Speech and Language Therapist with more than 20 years’ experience of working with Early Years children in the NHS and as the founder of her own preschool.
